Living in your past
by PurpleSneakers
Summary: Short letter from Alex to Olivia
1. Chapter 1

A short one-shot based on a text from a friend living in a completely different time zone.

Might be extended at some stage in the future.

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Olivia,

When I was in New York we'd go days without seeing each other. Weeks sometimes if we were both working on big cases. The time apart was hard. You'd forget to eat, forget to sleep, forget to check the messages on your phone. I'd text you every day to remind you that I love you. I know you'd never forget that, but I still needed to tell you as often as possible. I had to tell you every day because I loved you every day. I still love you every day.

When I was in New York I was consumed by my job. You were consumed by your job. Somehow, we still found a way to be consumed with each other. I know your job is your life. You protect the weak, the vulnerable, the scared. And you protected me. You protected me from my job. There's a fine line between devouring your job and being devoured by it. You never let me cross that line again once you'd brought me back from the other side.

I remember the day you did that. It's one of my favourite memories. You probably don't realise how life altering a smile from you can be. I know you remember the day, the moment, but I've never told you the feeling. It was when I first started with SVU, and it was the first time Elliot invited me to join you for drinks after a case. I looked to you for approval and you smiled. That smile told me I was accepted. That smile told me you cared. That smile told me I didn't have to spend my night re-reading old case files. That smile made me fall for you even more, and I would do anything to see it again.

Witness Protection is an oxymoron. The person being protected isn't the witness. Alexandra Cabot was killed the moment she was shot, the night you wouldn't let me die. The only person being protected is Emily (or whatever name they've given me). When I drink I can pretend I'm Alex again. I can pretend I'm with you in New York. But the New York I visit isn't the one you live in. The New York you live in has a new ADA. A new ADA to receive your smiles. A new ADA to push the boundaries of the law. A new ADA who probably keeps her phone on and by her bed at night in case you call. When I drink I'm living in your past… or I'm an alcoholic.

I'm living in your past, but can you see me in your future?


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia,

I'm still living in your past. Or I'm an alcoholic. Drinking brings the oblivion from this life I'm forced to live. This so-called protection I've been given. When I drink I can picture us back in New York. I can capture scenes from our past that I want for my future; for our future. I have to have faith that the justice system will prevail and I can be released from this solitary confinement. I have faith that I can be reunited with you and live in your future; in our future.

Lately when I drink I've been reciting the note I sent you to tell you that I love you.

_I want to love you._ _Love is a feeling and also a present tense continuous verb. It's something I feel and something I do. The feeling and the action can't be divided. Love encompasses kindness, respect, acceptance, trust, understanding, honesty, patience, and a whole lot of other things that can be summed up in meeting the needs of the other person. Love is something that I feel and I do. And it's about knowing what I'm capable of and what I can offer. As a feeling, love isn't something I can force on you; it's something that I have. As an action, love and everything it encompasses is something I can offer, but I can't force you to accept. That's a decision for you to make. When I say that I want to love you it means that the feeling already exists, and I'm offering the present tense continuous verb and everything it encompasses._

_Will you let me love you?_

I stressed for days over the wording of the note. I wanted to be sweet and romantic, but eventually I realised that I just had to be me. I was the one telling you that I love you and the words had to be in my voice. I didn't stress about what you would say or how you would react. In law school one of the first things we are taught is to never ask a question you don't already know the answer to. I already knew you would let me love you, I just had to ask the question. I already knew that you loved me. The way you looked at me told me that you saw the other half of your soul in me. It told me that you accept me for everything I am and everything I am yet to be. It told me you would respect me and always be honest with me. The way you looked at me told me you would protect me as long as you had breath in your body.

The way you loved me showed me how much I was capable of loving you in return. With you I always felt safe and accepted and that feeling allowed me to be me and not rely on the Ice Princess mask as often. The mask certainly made appearances in court, but at home and with you the mask could be removed. Removing the mask gave me a new view of the world. I could see more, and see more clearly. Wit-Sec is like wearing a mask, one I can never take off. Behind the mask I can dream and remember and hope. I can dream of the life you're living. I can remember the life we had. And I can hope for the future we'll have.

I'm living in your past, but can you see me in your future?


End file.
